1) You just touched your “exactly forehead” to the floor in class. You:
a) are moderately pleased.
b) rush home to tell your spouse.
c) send out a mass text message to everyone in your phone book, update your Facebook status, and tweet about it while you’re changing out of your Daisy Dukes and into dry clothes.
2) Your friends:
a) know that you take yoga.
b) are tired of hearing about yoga.
c) are unhealthy/overweight slobs who must be saved through the power of Bikram yoga.
3) You are in a horrible accident. You:
a) go to the emergency room and do whatever the doctor tells you.
b) accept emergency medical treatment but skip subsequent appointments and throw away your medication because they’re trying to “poison” and “brainwash” you. Bikram yoga will take care of the rehabilitation and healing process.
c) refuse to have missing limbs reattached because Bikram yoga will re-grow them.
4) You see the online quiz entitled “Who said it: Bikram Choudhury or Charlie Sheen?” You:
a) are surprised to learn that there is a person named Bikram and it is not an arbitrary name for the style of yoga.
b) laugh. It’s pretty funny… one has tiger blood, the other has Bengal tiger strength; one is battle tested bayonets, the other is “bullet proof, water proof, wind proof, money proof, sex proof, emotion proof, stress proof, strength proof.”
c) cry. How could they imply that they are in any way similar? This is just the “circus of American yoga” trying to defame the master again.
5) You overhear someone talking about the advanced class. You:
a) are surprised to hear that there is one. It did seem odd that it was called Bikram’s Beginning Yoga when there was only one class.
b) think “Wow. Go them.”
c) spend the entire class shooting them the stinkeye in the mirror and finding any and all flaws in their practice before going home to cry about why you are not worthy.
6) There is a new student in class. You:
a) are glad to have company.
b) think “Shame, they probably have no idea what they’re in for.”
c) spend the entire class clearing your throat when they wear their shoes in/ bring their keys in/ drink water before eagle and in between postures/ are attempting to kick out during standing head to knee with a bent standing knee. Idiots. Too bad there’s not a “Bikram’s Intermediate Yoga;” surely you don’t belong in the same class as this water-guzzling fool. Sometimes it is too late, you are too old, and you are too bad.
7) There is a pregnant woman in class. You:
a) wonder if it is healthy for the baby.
b) think she is superwoman and deserves an award. She just replaced Sarah Jessica Parker as world’s most awesome pregnant woman. Rocking bow pose is way cooler than rocking Narciso Rodriguez.
c) think she needs to be at home in bed instead of cracking the door and lowering the temperature to 104o and 39 percent humidity.
8) You must attend a funeral five hours away from the nearest Bikram Yoga studio. You:
a) have no thoughts of yoga, only of how you can comfort the grieving.
b) feel vaguely guilty about not getting in the hot room and then feel guilty about feeling guilty about it when you should be focusing on others.
c) try to convince the bereaved to drive you there and then spend the rest of the trip breathing into a paper bag to calm your anxiety attacks after they refuse. Others find your empathy touching and people continually comment “I didn’t know you two were so close.”
9) Your friend practices hot yoga. You:
a) think that he is a kindred spirit.
b) tell him that it is a common misconception that Bikram and hot yoga are the same or even comparable and invite him to try a Bikram class with you sometime.
c) give him a lecture on the many differences and warn him that the most disturbing part of hot yoga is the cavalier approach towards the health of their practitioners and find it doubtful that they can be getting any benefits. You took a class once just to tell others how wrong they are and prove how much better Bikram is.
10) You are shopping with your friend when she asks if she looks fat in the pants she is trying on. She does. And it’s not the pants. You:
a) assure her that she does not. That is what good friends do.
b) tell her that she does not, but ask her if she wants to come to Bikram with you, “if it would make you feel better.”
c) say; “I’m so glad you brought this up. I’ve been looking for a way to tell you. I, too, was once in your way-too-tight jeans but thanks to the salvation of Bikram, I am now a size 00.” You consider yourself an evangelist for the cause. Another waistline saved.
Scoring Guide:
Mostly a’s: You are a new practitioner or someone who does it as part of your overall training routine. You might not look like a Japanese ham sandwich, two wheels in one base, or a flower petal blooming, but you like the yoga and the benefits that it has on your overall fitness.
Mostly b’s: You have Bengal tiger strength and English bulldog determination! You are a committed practitioner and make it into the hot room three to four times a week. You definitely love Bikram yoga and can’t imagine your life without it, but if your studio is closed for Christmas, it’s not the end of the world.
Mostly c’s: You have a serious problem. You are obsessed with Bikram yoga and the culture of Bikram yoga. When you are not in class, you spend all of your time watching YouTube videos of Esak Garcia and reading everything you can find on the topic. You know what an unbroken lamppost looks like, you know the dialogue better than the instructors, and you have stopped paying for health insurance to support your Bikram habit since you “don’t need it anymore anyways.”